compare and contrast.

a friend of mine told me that a classmate/friend of his collapsed for an unknown reason, fell into a coma, and died this week.

he also told me that he can understand a tenth of how i felt when dad died.

people die every day and some people experience death more than others. and some people experience the unexpected and tragic deaths more than others. i'm not sure where i really fall on the continuum of death, but i find that i kowtow to the unexpected and tragic more than i could ever wish for.

three deaths preceded the one that instilled tremors in my heart. in hindsight, i'm glad i experienced her death before my dad's. it prepared me for dad.

there is something surreal about seeing someone a month before, talking to her three days before, and then reading an article describing her murder the day after her death.

it's also something different to experience that death all alone. and to experience that emotional pain that you weren't ever quite sure you had ever experienced. in a way it's how people describe love. that you don't ever really know it until you have it (and perhaps lost it).

she was one of my best and oldest friends, someone i had known since childhood. her death created a chasm in my life and catalyzed significant changes in my world view, religious outlook, and the way i lived my life.

and while that was tragic and painful, it compares little to what it was to lose a parent. that pain ran so deep and was so thorough, i felt steeped in loss.

five months later, i'm still floundering in loss. i forget about it, i push it away, i refuse to acknowledge it.

and at times, i'm drowning in it. barely afloat. water in the lungs.

and then i remember. walking into that room and seeing a mound of body on a table. what was supposed to be dad and just couldn't be dad. grey skin, waxy and thick. mom's screams behind me, choking on her own spit and suffocating in grief.

until i manage to push it away.