fever

i feel restless.

a tempting tingle.

a psychotic itch. a deep internal fever.

the one that always kept me moving from place to place.

[i feel that i've been here too long but haven't had long enough. goddamn, i love and hate this place all at once.]

i've realized that the last few months, i've glided through life.

i gave up at some point. decided that nothing or perhaps very little mattered. settled for what was right in front of me. for what i felt was my responsibility and my sacrifice.

i need to learn to ask for help.

but i have this thing. this january thing.

in some ways it's this huge fearful and mysterious thing. and in other ways it's this beacon of hope that my life can be my own again.

can i do it? will i like it? will i succeed? or will i fail miserably, tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back home to what is safe and secure (and frustrating and stressful)?

i'm tired of the lack of challenge. the ease of living day by day. the waiting.

i am impatient. waiting at the gate for the start. straining against those things that are holding me back.