epidemic part II

a text to a friend unreturned.

and then:

"Hey don't know when you sent that text but i was in japan while cause my grandpa passed away. I'm in seattle until sat. I'll be back for two weeks call you then"


a text to my friend whose father just passed.

a returned phone call. his uncle died eight days later. he buried his father on a tuesday, his uncle the next wednesday. his mother lost both her husband and youngest brother in the blink of an eye.

how do we stand this kind of pain?

i remember fighting with my roommate and thinking that the only way he'll ever understand is when he buries a parent. and thinking that i would not want anyone to feel this depth of pain.

to see and hear adam go through what i just went through--am still going through--four months and a day ago is heartbreaking.

goddammit. what the fuck is this all about?

epidemic

interesting how things happen.

a tenant/coworker of mine and i worked together this last run on the train.

on the way back to the car, she asks about my dad. i guess she heard something.

it turns out her dad died just a few days after mine.

we start talking about our dads and about losing our dads.

to the point where we are near tears.

i get home and take a shower. i'm procrastinating because i don't want to do work.

i check my myspace account and discover that the dad of a really good friend of mine just died.

i can barely stop crying.

why are all our father's dying?

crying over spilled milk

i. am. irrationally. upset.

i despise, hate, and am disgusted at my moments of irrationally.

i am upset because a friend went on a hike without me.

how stupid is that?!

alright, it's more than that.

it's that i didn't go on this hike by myself because he couldn't go (or thought he couldn't go, i guess he could on one day, just not on the other and making the assumption that we'd save it for another time when we could.

when what i should have done was just gone when i wanted regardless of his feelings and trust that he'd find his way there when he could.

i need to stop making assumptions.

so now, i'm very upset and i have a friend who doesn't understand why i'm very upset (or maybe he will later, i sent him an email apologizing with an explanation).

i was just so incredibly disappointed that all i could feel was upset. and i'm really just more upset at myself for just not doing what i wanted to do, which was to go on a hike.

and i think part of it is just jealously. that he got to do two great hikes in the last few days, both that i really wanted to do but haven't gotten a chance to do because of the responsibilities that have been handed to me, as well as the ones that i've chosen to take on.

so here i am, up later than i should, crying over spilled milk. hating myself for my irrationality, unable to sleep because i am upset, and wanting to rewind a few days and start this weekend all over.

gosh, i am a dumb, stupid girl.

found

in a vacated apartment. spiral-bound datebook. blue cover imprinted with "United States Government APPOINTMENT BOOK 2006." quoted verbatim (spelling, punctuation and capitalization mimicked):

[page]

WORDS Frequently Used
Damn
IT
Fuck
off
Hell
yea
Love
Pussy
Switchen
The
Script
Pissed
off
Fine
Ass
OH
Yea
oowee
Firm
Period
Sucks
Bull
Shit
Bitch
You
Did
Big
Dick
UP
Doggie
Style
In
Eckoed
Whole
House
She
is
Left
move
it
Screamer
Sunshine
why
See
You
Lier
who
how
Baby
Sounds
Bad
Reffer
To
First
Two
words
Happy
yankin
Smokin
Askin
My
Arm
Witness
could
Listen
Tempted
Feels
good
more to cum

[page]

On-cum-on-Pumpkin cakes-Dont call me That-I'll Stick my Tooth up your hole, Asshole, you rotten Bastard-why Do u deserve this cuz U IZ A Dumb Ass! Did I spell this write?

Tell Him, No Exuse, Jim's Dicks Bigger than Your Dick, Jim's Dicks Bigger Than Yours.

(drawing of bird with text bubble) Fuck Fuck Fuck off!