i dreamed all your fathers died

while i see the image in my head, loop through the dialogue, what is most memorable about this dream is the combined wailings of three women.

we met randomly, i don't know how since i live here and she lives on the east coast. we haven't seen each other since her wedding last summer. didn't i know that her dad died a month ago?

we must be in seattle where our other friend lives. she's expecting a baby in october. we're chatting, happy to be with one another but there's a darkness to the day. two of us have lost our father and are lost in our own thoughts.

the expecting mother answers her cell and breaks into sobs and "oh my gods." her father has just died. we are three fatherless women, basking in the sunlight of a beautiful day, experiencing the worst day of someone's life, and being reminded of our own worst days.

the dream doesn't end here, it just continues with our sobs, our tears, our broken hearts. i only wake up when my phone rings, but even after the sleep is over i still hear our wails.

self-fulfilling

i'm freaking out.

i have no reason to, but i am.

for the last three days, i've tried to call my brother and he hasn't called back. i know he's fine, but there's this tightening in my chest that is scared that something is all wrong.

i can't live my life thinking that the people i love the most will leave one night and never come back. it happened to dad, it won't necessarily happen again.

but i'm scared.

still born

i am a stranger to my own life.

more often than not, i feel fine. but those extraneous minutes and hours are so painful...and that pain runs so deep; i don't know how i'm going to tolerate it until the moment passes.

i want to rip into myself and pull my body inside out. shake out the pain, the regret, and the sorrow like stray crumbs. pull chunks of flesh away from myself, throw it aside, and sift through the remains in a search for that thing that is causing this pain. it seethes, it bulges, it spreads.

life is an emotional labor, with each painful moment a mental contraction. the pain arrives in intervals and i scream for some alcoholic epidural to numb me; it passes. and then surges once again. i can't see the road in front of me, the tears are blinding.

but in this instance of labor, the birth is nothing full of life and beautiful. it's stale. it's heavy. it's still born.

right now, i don't know how i can stand this feeling. i need this to pass.

dream dreaming

i was talking to my mom last night and we agreed...that since dad died every day seems like a bad dream that we just can't shake.

i had a dream last night. a real one.

the entire family was on the family vacation we were planning on doing and never had time to do.

there was a raffle on the beach, and somehow dad got called as the winner. i forget what he won, but it was awesome. i went back to play in the ocean. the waves were incredible, i was body surfing with my brothers, and were just laughing.

when we went back to the beach, dad had just won again and it was the grand prize...a brand new truck. it was so incredible and awesome. i couldn't believe it. i grabbed my phone and called one friend who didn't answer.

then another who didn't answer.

all i wanted to ask was if this was a dream. if i was really on the beach. if my dad was really alive. if this was really happening. if the happiness was real. because it's so good it HAD to be true.

i picked up my phone again and somehow was listening to a conversation between the two friends i had tried to call earlier. both were telling the other person how they didn't have the time to deal with my grief. with the mourning of my dad. telling the other person that they had to deal with it.

i went back to dad and the family. it was his birthday. i don't know if we sped up in time to january 2 or if we went back in time. i couldn't sing. all i could do was turn to him and remind him he was dead.