down time

on a plane to portland

a moment of peace

there is something about flying--perhaps

that idea that you have so little control in that seat, 17E.

and the fleeting calm is interrupted by a thought:

that i was so lost in my own grief and in a fury of busy this last week that it just now occured to me to be sad about what happened between me and you.

despite that moment of unadultered clarity, the tears that began to well in my sockets surprised me.

summer mileage

may 24, bird ridge: 12 miles

june 6-8, resurrection pass (north end): 38 miles

july 11-12, crow pass: 26 miles

august 9-10, caine's head: 13 miles (plus exploring)

august 16, flattop: 3 miles

august 16-17, reed lakes: 9 miles (plus exploring)

august 23, johnson's pass: 23 miles

august 30-september 1, unit 29-31 denali nat'l park: approx. 20 miles

september 13-14, lost lake: 14 miles

plus winner creek (8 miles), and an attempt at pioneer peak (6 miles)

total summer mileage thus far: 172

still want to tackle...

resurrection south: 32 miles
gull rock: 10 miles
williwaw traverse: 18 miles
wolverine: 11 miles

first sentences

don't ask me why or where this came from, but it precipitated in my mind as the first sentence of something not yet written:

"our last night together was an exercise in expanding the definition of rape."

thirty before thirty

idea taken from my beautiful friend lisa who is now attempting to finish 25 things before her 25th birthday this november. since i've already hit that milestone, i figure i should put together thirty things i want to accomplish before i turn thirty...

learn how to...
1. ski/snowboard (one will do)
2. rock climb
3. ride a motorcycle
4. ride a bike daily without fear (i have weird fears)
5. scuba dive
6. play the guitar reasonably well
7. scull in a single
8. ice climb
9. drive a manual

speak...
10. korean conversationally with my mother and know what i'm saying/hearing
11. arabic

travel to (somewhere in)...
12. africa
13. middle east
14. south america
15. the boat race on the thames to see oxford beat cambridge with my own eyes

backpack...
16. units 1-43 of denali national park
17. moab
18. john muir trail

complete...
19. a quilt
20. a marathon
21. a solo sky dive
22. a novel for nanowrimo

learn how to cook:
23. korean food as well as mom
24. indian food
25. thai food

miscellaneous:
26. shear a sheep
27. play a good hand of poker
28. see jin-joo's grave
29. go hanggliding
30. tony stepp or someone jewish

unsettled

it causes a blunt separation. a canyon of uncomfortable silence.

but not immediately. it's slow. too slow to be painful or apparent. until the earth cracks and you find the two of you on either side. and while you're watching, he is walking away.

two attempts. two different men.

and while it's her responsibility to bear, it is also the nature of this beast...so untraditional, burdened with unknowns, and fucked up crazy.

and at first, the reaction is...normal. a quick opening of eyes, questions, conversation. she feels a tug from deep inside her gut, the instinct to shut down. too much right now. she is uncomfortable for having revealed the soft belly of her vulnerability.

the nights are detrimental. the ones that aren't spent together. he begins to think. thinks about the statistical probability, the outrageous statement, the way that its carried so matter of fact in this unlikely package. and the stories begin to weave themselves, and he finds himself uncomfortable with what he can only see as a potential lie instead of an improbable truth.

the first crack in the soft and damp earth appears. and she never knows it. she is unaware until the dark soil parts with such sudden force to cause an imbalance. she is only cognitive in the moments before, when she sees his face and watches his mouth form the earth shattering words.

canyons on either side. an unlikely path in front of her. she walks onward and tepidly. has accepted her journey as fact, lost in her own explanations and what ifs.

fiction

she finally found someone like herself.

rash. impatient. inundated with feeling. quick to like and love. caring. intelligent. an operator of extremes (though aware of the benefits of the rest).

except he's in love with someone else. and she's involved with someone too close to him to make it right.

but she keeps thinking what if it had been him to make the first move that night instead of the other.

and reflecting how drawn to him she had been since that day. though not fully realizing what it really meant to her until that enlightening sentence first precipitated into her awareness many weeks later: "if not for him...then it would have been you"

she feels a responsibility to take ownership over this feeling. partly out of habit for being blunt. but to what end? even had it began differently, would any of it have mattered?

they are on separate timelines, jet setting to different destinations for new lives elsewhere. he is hopelessly in love with something potentially unattainable, but hopefully attainable in the end. it's all so fairytale and who can even begin to try to interrupt that sort of story?

and while there's little point, she can't help but think what it might be like...if it had been him and not the other.

a sigh.

a thoughtful look inward.

and a click of a button, "publish post."