dear mom

I WANT TO SCREAM.

you lost someone, but guess what?
we lost someone, too.

you have days where you probably don't want to get out of bed;
(and then there was the day where you took a saw to the bed he made for you and threw it away)
so do we.

but we do get out of bed to do
all those things for you that you just don't feel like doing for yourself
we let you be demanding and neurotic, and don't always push back

you have days, minutes, or moments where you just cry for apparently no reason
so do we

but unlike you, we don't tell you that you don't have a right to cry
that the time frame for grief has expired
or that crying is selfish because it makes us feel bad

so let us cry and be okay with it
don't tell us to shut up or accuse us of being selfish because we're hurting as much as you are
understand when we can't motivate ourselves to do that thing for you right at this moment
because that thing was dad's thing and now it's our thing by default

you have days where you want to be by yourself
where you refuse to answer phones because that's what you need
we need that too

don't get angry when we can't stand to answer the phone every time you or anyone else calls
or when we leave for a drive, or be friends, or climb a mountain
it's what is keeping us sane so that we can be here for you in the long run

remember, mom, that every moment that you struggle, we struggle too
in a different way and most likely at different times
but we're brokenhearted, we're sad, we're depressed, and we're struggling to cope

this isn't as much about you as it is about us
if we can't see that, why can't you?