advice to the chef: how not to lie

some advice for aspiring liars, manipulators and betrayors of friends.

(1) do not proclaim (with an odd sense of pride--find something else to proud of, please) how good of a liar you are.

(2) when a friend does you a favor, don't pay it back with lies. wait until you don't owe any favors to be a bastard.

(3) there really is no need to lie after a (drunken) heart-to-heart. you just make your friend feel more like an idiot later on and that won't possibly bode well in the grand scheme of things.

(4) when executing that well-thought out lie, do not repeat the one fact that is crucial to making your lie work. a good mark for a lie is when the liar repeats a fact because it is that fact that needs to be taken at face value for the lie to work. you are an idiot and you obviously assumed i was one too. whoops.

(5) do not ask for additional favors after poorly executing a flawed lie. it makes you seem even more like the evolutionary pond scum that you are.

(6) don't lie to me (or anyone for that matter). you haven't known me long enough to know that i usually always find out when i've been lied to. it's almost a god-given gift.

however a concession: some lies are acceptable. those are lies that don't harm anyone. i.e. you just had a bad personal experience and need to work some things out for yourself, so you don't let on what's going on. that's understandable, even if not 100 percent desirable.