adrenaline, rollercoasters and guilt

i ride guilt like a rollercoaster. i've got my ups and i've got my downs, and other times i'm blazing through it at high speeds.

every so often i find myself in the middle of a guilt trip, usually for no real reason.

and more often than not its caused by a sense that i have become too self-centric, too concerned with my own life and not enough with the lives of others.

i find myself asking...what have i done lately to help mankind?

or even to help someone outside of myself?

i know this probably registers high on the bullshit meter for some of you, but i think those people who know me the best know that what i say here is sincere.

right now i'm so consumed with my own activities:
1) i go to school...for myself.
2) i go to work...to make money...for myself
3) i work with HOBY...okay that one is absent of guilt, though i'm sure if i thought hard i could make it into some selfish activity
4) i work out at the gym....for myself

but see, 90% of my day is devoted to those activities which are really to better myself. sure, my graduate degree is in public administration, which is arguably a means to serve my community/government/etc. yet, this endeavor is still a means to get a better job, with better benefits...for myself.

it is at times like these that i want to drop my life and go to some godforsaken country and volunteer for several months, a year, several years

i want to make a difference to someone. i want to put myself aside wholly. i want to be passionate, driven and motivated to change the world.

but i have responsibilities to my family, my friends, my volunteer activities. so i suppose my next best option is to make do with what i can do for my community here and now.

i've got a few ideas in the works and i'm excited