le rawr!

lessons

2009-07-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

we're children all our lives.

not in age, milestones left to reach, or our obsessive need to eat, poo, sleep, and cry.

god, every day is a fucking learning experience.

your ego gets away from you, and you think you've learned enough from life to go through the rest of it with minimal missteps.

you trust.

you get comfortable.

and you fall back into that young naiveté.

and you make mistakes. and you become obsessed by them because you feel as if you should have known better.

you get sucked into the mistakes of others and your pride wants them to admit their wrongs.

not just to accept your own.

so you accomplish a fail.

and my god, does it seem as if failure surrounds you and the missteps multiply. and all you can hope for is that there is truth behind forgive and forget.

not just for that other person toward you.

but you toward that other person.

and most importantly, you toward yourself.

i know that at the end of the day, i am hardest on myself. i become obsessive about my own mistakes.

but i have to remember.

life was once worse than this silly recent mistake.

and they can be worse still.

so buck up kiddo.

it's not a big deal.

take a trembling step forward to forgiving yourself for falling into the trap of feeling secure.

be ever vigilant.

and go forth and do good.

november 2, 2005

2009-01-02T02:08:00.001-08:00

this is an ironic sort of hate...
...but not an uncommon one.

where i am filled with equal parts hate and love.
each a product of each other, a conjoined monstrosity.
(if one dies, will the other?)

where is the sense in this?
i hate you
(i hate myself)
for still having love for you

and it is this presence of love
that clears the way for hate.

you broke my heart.

degraded history and friendship.

without coherent explanation or forethought

am i worth so little?

this self-induced depression
(how else can one really write so plainly?)
is a fist thrust in my throat
so painfully stretching the esophagus in unnatural
(yet, imaginable) ways.

a groping of heart strings,
threads of memory and feeling,
to be woven into something articulate and explainable
and inevitably pulled apart to be forgotten

where does this leave me?

heart broken,
tugged in the opposing directions of love and hate.
a division even king solomon would not undertake

in the end, i am left to ask:
who are you to deserve my hate (and love)?

but then, who am i to give it to you?

november 6, 2005

2009-01-02T02:04:00.000-08:00

an intense desire to run away
manifested in midnight miles
shin splints
bursting lungs
and tears disguised as raindrops

this is a recycled enlightenment

a continental journey traveled
and permanently i stayed
haphazardly homeless
fueled on impulse
an unexpected marriage of coincidence and desire

i left heartbreak at home (but not the potential stowaway)

[speaks] a stranded thread of soul:
build walls
brace for the perfect storm
embrace the emotion starter package (version 3.1)
and weather this unfortunate attraction

this is a heart-sponsored marathon

please, won't you come sit on my wall?
break it down
cry for the photo finish
and keep this silly girl from running
soon, there will be little left to run to

and i've only just got here.

a bad dream.

2008-12-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

it began with a push and a burn.

how and why i don't remember, but for some reason the main cook pushed me and my arm fell into that vat of boiling grease.

i don't remember the pain. i remember looking forward to the future and talking about it in the past tense. pointing to the bubbled skin that marks my arm.

now we're back to the present, a few hours later. it's winter and it's dark.

i'm walking home and about to approach the apartment building behind the restaurant. i see a tenant, in this dream, he is an old high school friend who lives on the east coast. in real life, his name is brian and his wife is expecting their first child. but in dream life, he lives on the third floor and he's sipping a beer in the dark, watching the street. and for some reason, i sit down in an artificial snowbank, man-made from a plow, and watch him.

i remember that i don't live here anymore (in real life, when did i ever?) and i'm content sitting in the snow bank. i somehow doze, watching my tenant who is watching the street, while i nod off sitting in that artificial snow bank.

and then snow. i'm being hit with snow. i wake with a jolt, not sure where i am, scared and disoriented. i look behind me, and too close behind me is a man throwing snow at me. i stumble away from his closeness, panicked, and disturbed by his smile.

i back into somehow else. his look is less disturbing, but his proximity solidifies my panic. i feel surrounded, i feel unsafe, and the scream that i want to scream is bubbling in my throat like a feeble baking soda volcano.

i walk quickly to the back door to the restaurant and scurry in. except he's followed me, the one who disturbed my fanciful sleep, and now i'm backing up slowly in the hall, scared for dear life as he creeps up to me, in time with my backward shuffle, that smile on his face.

i scream:

AJASHI!

i call for my cooks whom i've known for so long that i call them uncle in korean.

AJASHI!

my panic rises quickly as no one comes to my rescue.

AJASHI!!!

the omnipotent self who is witnessing this dream sees that the restaurant is near closing and the cooks are in the back, jackets on, shooting the shit, the ashes of their cigarettes falling into the dishwater. but no one cares, as it is unlikely that no one hears, about me and my panic.

i give up on my rescue. i am still dancing the slow backward shuffle, and he is still matching my pace. my screams and my panic do not faze him. i focus on him and scream over and over, "BACK OFF."

BACK OFF.

BACK OFF.

BACK OFF.

BACK OFF.

BACK OFF.

BACK OFF.

i am red in the face. i am crying scared tears. my heart is lead thumping in my chest. my real self imagines what my dream self wants to happen: an ajashi on each side, grabbing the maniac at the elbow, marching him down the hall, his toes dragging on the floor, and throwing him out. even in this daydream within the dream, the maniac still has that smile plastered on his face.

somehow, it must have worked. my real self returns to my dream self's present situation and it's all over. but no one cares about how scared i am, or who these men were, or what they were going to do to me. my mom laughs at me for overreacting. she makes fun of my red face, my disheveled appearance. the only person who cares is dan, who takes my mom aside and whispers,

don't you think that something was about to happen to her?

i'm consumed with tears, convulsing with anger, and sink into a pile on the floor.

it's the next day and they are there in the restaurant. but it's the smiling maniac that causes me to freeze. i whisper to dan, "dad..."

my real self pauses mid-dream. why did i call him dad? what kind of daughter am i to call another man something so intimate when my own father is decomposing quietly, cold in the ground, gone for just eight months? except my real self realizes that dan has been a rock in her life since dad passed away, and if anyone was to mistakenly be called dad in a dream, on a boat, as we are docking in petersburg (my eyes flutter open long enough to mistake the lights of port for a very bright moon), it would be dan.

"...dan, that's him, second on the left. in the white shirt and black leather jacket"

dan ambles away from me in the direction of the smiling maniac. he lifts him out of his seat, but in a way that is quiet, stern, and gentle, and tells him to pay and go.

somehow, i am at the cashier counter, looking for that damn receipt book when i smell his leather and lift my eyes above the countertop to see that freakish smile. my real self relives the dream, and i am turning in my bunk full of panic and distress.

i'm floating to the top of consciousness, emerging from the dream. i'm in between worlds now, as i hear the ferry's purser making her port announcement and watching myself look the maniac in the eye and telling him to leave.

but even after i broken through the dream surface, i lay in bed soaking in the aftershock of such deep fear, thinking to myself, a few times over

oh, that was such a bad dream. a bad, bad dream.

we're leaving petersburg. and i'm going back to sleep.

down time

2008-09-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

on a plane to portland

a moment of peace

there is something about flying--perhaps

that idea that you have so little control in that seat, 17E.

and the fleeting calm is interrupted by a thought:

that i was so lost in my own grief and in a fury of busy this last week that it just now occured to me to be sad about what happened between me and you.

despite that moment of unadultered clarity, the tears that began to well in my sockets surprised me.

summer mileage

2008-09-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

may 24, bird ridge: 12 miles

june 6-8, resurrection pass (north end): 38 miles

july 11-12, crow pass: 26 miles

august 9-10, caine's head: 13 miles (plus exploring)

august 16, flattop: 3 miles

august 16-17, reed lakes: 9 miles (plus exploring)

august 23, johnson's pass: 23 miles

august 30-september 1, unit 29-31 denali nat'l park: approx. 20 miles

september 13-14, lost lake: 14 miles

plus winner creek (8 miles), and an attempt at pioneer peak (6 miles)

total summer mileage thus far: 172

still want to tackle...

resurrection south: 32 miles
gull rock: 10 miles
williwaw traverse: 18 miles
wolverine: 11 miles

first sentences

2008-09-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

don't ask me why or where this came from, but it precipitated in my mind as the first sentence of something not yet written:

"our last night together was an exercise in expanding the definition of rape."

thirty before thirty

2008-09-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

idea taken from my beautiful friend lisa who is now attempting to finish 25 things before her 25th birthday this november. since i've already hit that milestone, i figure i should put together thirty things i want to accomplish before i turn thirty...

learn how to...
1. ski/snowboard (one will do)
2. rock climb
3. ride a motorcycle
4. ride a bike daily without fear (i have weird fears)
5. scuba dive
6. play the guitar reasonably well
7. scull in a single
8. ice climb
9. drive a manual

speak...
10. korean conversationally with my mother and know what i'm saying/hearing
11. arabic

travel to (somewhere in)...
12. africa
13. middle east
14. south america
15. the boat race on the thames to see oxford beat cambridge with my own eyes

backpack...
16. units 1-43 of denali national park
17. moab
18. john muir trail

complete...
19. a quilt
20. a marathon
21. a solo sky dive
22. a novel for nanowrimo

learn how to cook:
23. korean food as well as mom
24. indian food
25. thai food

miscellaneous:
26. shear a sheep
27. play a good hand of poker
28. see jin-joo's grave
29. go hanggliding
30. tony stepp or someone jewish

unsettled

2008-09-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

it causes a blunt separation. a canyon of uncomfortable silence.

but not immediately. it's slow. too slow to be painful or apparent. until the earth cracks and you find the two of you on either side. and while you're watching, he is walking away.

two attempts. two different men.

and while it's her responsibility to bear, it is also the nature of this beast...so untraditional, burdened with unknowns, and fucked up crazy.

and at first, the reaction is...normal. a quick opening of eyes, questions, conversation. she feels a tug from deep inside her gut, the instinct to shut down. too much right now. she is uncomfortable for having revealed the soft belly of her vulnerability.

the nights are detrimental. the ones that aren't spent together. he begins to think. thinks about the statistical probability, the outrageous statement, the way that its carried so matter of fact in this unlikely package. and the stories begin to weave themselves, and he finds himself uncomfortable with what he can only see as a potential lie instead of an improbable truth.

the first crack in the soft and damp earth appears. and she never knows it. she is unaware until the dark soil parts with such sudden force to cause an imbalance. she is only cognitive in the moments before, when she sees his face and watches his mouth form the earth shattering words.

canyons on either side. an unlikely path in front of her. she walks onward and tepidly. has accepted her journey as fact, lost in her own explanations and what ifs.

fiction

2008-09-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

she finally found someone like herself.

rash. impatient. inundated with feeling. quick to like and love. caring. intelligent. an operator of extremes (though aware of the benefits of the rest).

except he's in love with someone else. and she's involved with someone too close to him to make it right.

but she keeps thinking what if it had been him to make the first move that night instead of the other.

and reflecting how drawn to him she had been since that day. though not fully realizing what it really meant to her until that enlightening sentence first precipitated into her awareness many weeks later: "if not for him...then it would have been you"

she feels a responsibility to take ownership over this feeling. partly out of habit for being blunt. but to what end? even had it began differently, would any of it have mattered?

they are on separate timelines, jet setting to different destinations for new lives elsewhere. he is hopelessly in love with something potentially unattainable, but hopefully attainable in the end. it's all so fairytale and who can even begin to try to interrupt that sort of story?

and while there's little point, she can't help but think what it might be like...if it had been him and not the other.

a sigh.

a thoughtful look inward.

and a click of a button, "publish post."

compare and contrast.

2008-08-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine told me that a classmate/friend of his collapsed for an unknown reason, fell into a coma, and died this week.

he also told me that he can understand a tenth of how i felt when dad died.

people die every day and some people experience death more than others. and some people experience the unexpected and tragic deaths more than others. i'm not sure where i really fall on the continuum of death, but i find that i kowtow to the unexpected and tragic more than i could ever wish for.

three deaths preceded the one that instilled tremors in my heart. in hindsight, i'm glad i experienced her death before my dad's. it prepared me for dad.

there is something surreal about seeing someone a month before, talking to her three days before, and then reading an article describing her murder the day after her death.

it's also something different to experience that death all alone. and to experience that emotional pain that you weren't ever quite sure you had ever experienced. in a way it's how people describe love. that you don't ever really know it until you have it (and perhaps lost it).

she was one of my best and oldest friends, someone i had known since childhood. her death created a chasm in my life and catalyzed significant changes in my world view, religious outlook, and the way i lived my life.

and while that was tragic and painful, it compares little to what it was to lose a parent. that pain ran so deep and was so thorough, i felt steeped in loss.

five months later, i'm still floundering in loss. i forget about it, i push it away, i refuse to acknowledge it.

and at times, i'm drowning in it. barely afloat. water in the lungs.

and then i remember. walking into that room and seeing a mound of body on a table. what was supposed to be dad and just couldn't be dad. grey skin, waxy and thick. mom's screams behind me, choking on her own spit and suffocating in grief.

until i manage to push it away.

coming to terms with fact

2008-08-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

this is just a sad blog. i only really write when i'm perplexed, angry or sad about something. a fiery emotion.

so what is it this time?

it's the 24th. dad died five months ago on the 22nd.

and i forgot to remember the 22nd.

it hurts my heart, how quickly i can forget.

though perhaps in other ways i did not forget entirely. this entire week i've felt this incredibly need to get out in nature and backpack my little heart out. i didn't really think as to why i needed it so badly this week.

so on the 23rd, i busted out 23 miles through johnson's pass and it felt incredible.

i wanted to do more, but circumstances didn't let that happen. damn you circumstances.

dear dad, i love you and i'm sorry i forgot.

five months and two days.

fever

2008-08-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

i feel restless.

a tempting tingle.

a psychotic itch. a deep internal fever.

the one that always kept me moving from place to place.

[i feel that i've been here too long but haven't had long enough. goddamn, i love and hate this place all at once.]

i've realized that the last few months, i've glided through life.

i gave up at some point. decided that nothing or perhaps very little mattered. settled for what was right in front of me. for what i felt was my responsibility and my sacrifice.

i need to learn to ask for help.

but i have this thing. this january thing.

in some ways it's this huge fearful and mysterious thing. and in other ways it's this beacon of hope that my life can be my own again.

can i do it? will i like it? will i succeed? or will i fail miserably, tuck my tail between my legs and crawl back home to what is safe and secure (and frustrating and stressful)?

i'm tired of the lack of challenge. the ease of living day by day. the waiting.

i am impatient. waiting at the gate for the start. straining against those things that are holding me back.

epidemic part II

2008-07-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

a text to a friend unreturned.

and then:

"Hey don't know when you sent that text but i was in japan while cause my grandpa passed away. I'm in seattle until sat. I'll be back for two weeks call you then"

a text to my friend whose father just passed.

a returned phone call. his uncle died eight days later. he buried his father on a tuesday, his uncle the next wednesday. his mother lost both her husband and youngest brother in the blink of an eye.

how do we stand this kind of pain?

i remember fighting with my roommate and thinking that the only way he'll ever understand is when he buries a parent. and thinking that i would not want anyone to feel this depth of pain.

to see and hear adam go through what i just went through--am still going through--four months and a day ago is heartbreaking.

goddammit. what the fuck is this all about?

epidemic

2008-07-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

interesting how things happen.

a tenant/coworker of mine and i worked together this last run on the train.

on the way back to the car, she asks about my dad. i guess she heard something.

it turns out her dad died just a few days after mine.

we start talking about our dads and about losing our dads.

to the point where we are near tears.

i get home and take a shower. i'm procrastinating because i don't want to do work.

i check my myspace account and discover that the dad of a really good friend of mine just died.

i can barely stop crying.

why are all our father's dying?

crying over spilled milk

2008-07-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

i. am. irrationally. upset.

i despise, hate, and am disgusted at my moments of irrationally.

i am upset because a friend went on a hike without me.

how stupid is that?!

alright, it's more than that.

it's that i didn't go on this hike by myself because he couldn't go (or thought he couldn't go, i guess he could on one day, just not on the other and making the assumption that we'd save it for another time when we could.

when what i should have done was just gone when i wanted regardless of his feelings and trust that he'd find his way there when he could.

i need to stop making assumptions.

so now, i'm very upset and i have a friend who doesn't understand why i'm very upset (or maybe he will later, i sent him an email apologizing with an explanation).

i was just so incredibly disappointed that all i could feel was upset. and i'm really just more upset at myself for just not doing what i wanted to do, which was to go on a hike.

and i think part of it is just jealously. that he got to do two great hikes in the last few days, both that i really wanted to do but haven't gotten a chance to do because of the responsibilities that have been handed to me, as well as the ones that i've chosen to take on.

so here i am, up later than i should, crying over spilled milk. hating myself for my irrationality, unable to sleep because i am upset, and wanting to rewind a few days and start this weekend all over.

gosh, i am a dumb, stupid girl.

found

2008-07-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

in a vacated apartment. spiral-bound datebook. blue cover imprinted with "United States Government APPOINTMENT BOOK 2006." quoted verbatim (spelling, punctuation and capitalization mimicked):

[page]

WORDS Frequently Used
Damn
IT
Fuck
off
Hell
yea
Love
Pussy
Switchen
The
Script
Pissed
off
Fine
Ass
OH
Yea
oowee
Firm
Period
Sucks
Bull
Shit
Bitch
You
Did
Big
Dick
UP
Doggie
Style
In
Eckoed
Whole
House
She
is
Left
move
it
Screamer
Sunshine
why
See
You
Lier
who
how
Baby
Sounds
Bad
Reffer
To
First
Two
words
Happy
yankin
Smokin
Askin
My
Arm
Witness
could
Listen
Tempted
Feels
good
more to cum

[page]

On-cum-on-Pumpkin cakes-Dont call me That-I'll Stick my Tooth up your hole, Asshole, you rotten Bastard-why Do u deserve this cuz U IZ A Dumb Ass! Did I spell this write?

Tell Him, No Exuse, Jim's Dicks Bigger than Your Dick, Jim's Dicks Bigger Than Yours.

(drawing of bird with text bubble) Fuck Fuck Fuck off!

dear mom

2008-06-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO SCREAM.

you lost someone, but guess what?
we lost someone, too.

you have days where you probably don't want to get out of bed;
(and then there was the day where you took a saw to the bed he made for you and threw it away)
so do we.

but we do get out of bed to do
all those things for you that you just don't feel like doing for yourself
we let you be demanding and neurotic, and don't always push back

you have days, minutes, or moments where you just cry for apparently no reason
so do we

but unlike you, we don't tell you that you don't have a right to cry
that the time frame for grief has expired
or that crying is selfish because it makes us feel bad

so let us cry and be okay with it
don't tell us to shut up or accuse us of being selfish because we're hurting as much as you are
understand when we can't motivate ourselves to do that thing for you right at this moment
because that thing was dad's thing and now it's our thing by default

you have days where you want to be by yourself
where you refuse to answer phones because that's what you need
we need that too

don't get angry when we can't stand to answer the phone every time you or anyone else calls
or when we leave for a drive, or be friends, or climb a mountain
it's what is keeping us sane so that we can be here for you in the long run

remember, mom, that every moment that you struggle, we struggle too
in a different way and most likely at different times
but we're brokenhearted, we're sad, we're depressed, and we're struggling to cope

this isn't as much about you as it is about us
if we can't see that, why can't you?

bum dreams

2008-05-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

i dreamed that bums were trying to get into the apartment building.

several times i woke up in real life and looked out my bedroom window only to realize that i wasn't at the apartment building, but in my own home.

this would be more normal if these were zombie dreams instead.

+++

i'm in the apartment building yesterday, talking to some friends that i just moved into one of the units. a car honks and i look outside.

a girl from upstairs runs down and gets in the car. the driver pulls out a baggie and looks like he's rolling a joint.

sigh.

have we become this stupid?

i knock on their window. i don't care what you do in your personal lives, just don't do it in my parking lot i say.

oh well, better than the crack pipe found in the hallway.

slowly but surely, i'm weeding out the bad and planting the good. god, i want this to be over so i can just get over being sad.

voice

2008-05-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

i called the house phone on accident instead of mom's cell phone.

it's dad's voice on the recording.

i had forgotten what he had sounded like. that's what happens when you are two especially stubborn people who don't talk to one another for a year and a half.

thanks dad, for the reminder. i miss you.

screams

2008-05-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

I've had a few more days like the last one described. But today, these last few days, I want to sleep for days and scream:

YOU ARE SUFFOCATING ME.

LET ME CRY. LET ME MOURN. LET ME FEEL AS IF I'VE LOST SOMETHING, SOMEONE.

I FEEL AS IF I'VE LOST MYSELF.

I AM IN PAIN.

I CAN'T STAND THIS FEELING.

I JUST CAN'T BREATH.

But I can't scream, so I pray.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Give me strength to be a good daughter, sister, and friend. Provide me with patience and compassion. Help me settle my spastic heart that beats with anxiety and heartbreak. Allow me to discover the courage that I know is in me to put my own pride, wants, and needs aside for just a few more months. Let me love life when I feel that mine doesn't belong to me anymore.

And when the prayers aren't there (because really, how long has it been since I've been remotely religious?), I hike. I climb mountains to be closer to heaven, to be closer to Dad.

Dear Dad:

I'm sorry that you are gone. There are a lot of things that I was waiting to tell you...

I didn't hate you no matter how much it may seemed that I did. I just loved you too much to know what to even say.

I thought there would be more time. Time for us to catch up after this time away from each other. Time to realize that we are both people who have made mistakes. To hug and cry and say I love you.

Everyone tells me that you still talked about me. Said how proud you were of me. They also tell me that they thought I hated you. God, this hurts my heart.

I'm sorry that you couldn't hear me say that I was proud of you too. That despite your missteps that I could never deny who you were at your core. I find things in your office now that remind me of that person that I have always loved.

You would be proud of what I just accomplished and have kept to myself. It'll let me help the world in a way that only a few people are able to do. I'm scared, but excited. I need to remember to keep my center.

I understand you more now. How deep your compassion ran. Sometimes I feel the beginnings of resentment for leaving the mess that you did. And then I have to realize that this "mess" is only example after example of compassion. The reason why you didn't make as much money as you could have. Why you were so stressed all the time. Why you let in the crackheads, the bums, the dealers and users.

I'm sorry Dad. I don't have your compassion. I just can't. Not now.

It helps to see your efforts. Where you moved your will right before you died. The literature on living trusts. You were thinking about us, there just wasn't enough time.

Sometimes I feel as dead inside as you are dead now. I don't see much of a future ahead of me because I feel so empty and lost.

Sometimes I forget that you're even gone. And then I make myself imagine your body--your skin was so gray--on that table. Mom is screaming and sobbing behind me, and all I can think is how dead you look.

I am struggling Dad, but I have no doubt that I will do great things.

Love you.

something new

2008-05-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

i can only take a deep breath and think "finally."

finally since dad passed, i am having a good day. where i feel centered, fulfilled, and connected. my heart feels light, my head is clear, and i feel as if i am living life in the way that i was always meant to.

i don't know what has caused this feeling or how long it will last, but i am grateful, thankful, and consuming it with greed.

i have so many moments, hours, days, and weeks where i feel
anxious
depressed
frustrated
lost
exhausted
pained
sad
angry

but today, for however long that this lasts, i feel happy and content.

i am happy that one friend is recently engaged, and two others with weddings in june and november.

i am happy to realize that i have struggled to maturation in some things

i am content with finishing my master's degree in the fall

i am happy for the beautiful weather, the hikes, and to be with friends

i am content with feeling strangely connected to God, when i have struggled with Him for so long

i am happy knowing that i will begin something new in january, and content with feeling that i can accomplish everything i need to for my family before i leave

i'm going to hang on to this as long as i can and struggle to remember it when it has gone away.

i dreamed all your fathers died

2008-04-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

while i see the image in my head, loop through the dialogue, what is most memorable about this dream is the combined wailings of three women.

we met randomly, i don't know how since i live here and she lives on the east coast. we haven't seen each other since her wedding last summer. didn't i know that her dad died a month ago?

we must be in seattle where our other friend lives. she's expecting a baby in october. we're chatting, happy to be with one another but there's a darkness to the day. two of us have lost our father and are lost in our own thoughts.

the expecting mother answers her cell and breaks into sobs and "oh my gods." her father has just died. we are three fatherless women, basking in the sunlight of a beautiful day, experiencing the worst day of someone's life, and being reminded of our own worst days.

the dream doesn't end here, it just continues with our sobs, our tears, our broken hearts. i only wake up when my phone rings, but even after the sleep is over i still hear our wails.

self-fulfilling

2008-04-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

i'm freaking out.

i have no reason to, but i am.

for the last three days, i've tried to call my brother and he hasn't called back. i know he's fine, but there's this tightening in my chest that is scared that something is all wrong.

i can't live my life thinking that the people i love the most will leave one night and never come back. it happened to dad, it won't necessarily happen again.

but i'm scared.

still born

2008-04-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

i am a stranger to my own life.

more often than not, i feel fine. but those extraneous minutes and hours are so painful...and that pain runs so deep; i don't know how i'm going to tolerate it until the moment passes.

i want to rip into myself and pull my body inside out. shake out the pain, the regret, and the sorrow like stray crumbs. pull chunks of flesh away from myself, throw it aside, and sift through the remains in a search for that thing that is causing this pain. it seethes, it bulges, it spreads.

life is an emotional labor, with each painful moment a mental contraction. the pain arrives in intervals and i scream for some alcoholic epidural to numb me; it passes. and then surges once again. i can't see the road in front of me, the tears are blinding.

but in this instance of labor, the birth is nothing full of life and beautiful. it's stale. it's heavy. it's still born.

right now, i don't know how i can stand this feeling. i need this to pass.

dream dreaming

2008-04-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

i was talking to my mom last night and we agreed...that since dad died every day seems like a bad dream that we just can't shake.

i had a dream last night. a real one.

the entire family was on the family vacation we were planning on doing and never had time to do.

there was a raffle on the beach, and somehow dad got called as the winner. i forget what he won, but it was awesome. i went back to play in the ocean. the waves were incredible, i was body surfing with my brothers, and were just laughing.

when we went back to the beach, dad had just won again and it was the grand prize...a brand new truck. it was so incredible and awesome. i couldn't believe it. i grabbed my phone and called one friend who didn't answer.

then another who didn't answer.

all i wanted to ask was if this was a dream. if i was really on the beach. if my dad was really alive. if this was really happening. if the happiness was real. because it's so good it HAD to be true.

i picked up my phone again and somehow was listening to a conversation between the two friends i had tried to call earlier. both were telling the other person how they didn't have the time to deal with my grief. with the mourning of my dad. telling the other person that they had to deal with it.

i went back to dad and the family. it was his birthday. i don't know if we sped up in time to january 2 or if we went back in time. i couldn't sing. all i could do was turn to him and remind him he was dead.

funeral details

2008-03-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

Friday March 28 at 9:30 AM

Kehl's Forest Lawn Mortuary & Crematory
11621 Old Seward Highway
Anchorage Alaska 99515

Burial at the Downtown Cemetery at 12:00 PM
535,East Ninth Avenue
Anchorage, AK 99501

Public welcome to join the family at our restaurant:
Twin Dragon
612 E. 15th Ave
Anchorage, AK 99501

saturday march 23, 2008 at 4:25 AM

2008-03-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

why are we at war?/norman mailer

when i consider the nearly three thousand people who died in the twin towers disaster, it's not the ones who were good fathers and good mothers and good daughters, good brothers and good husbands or sons, that i mourn most. it's the ones who came from families that were less happy.

when a good family member dies, there's a tenderness and a sorrow that can restore life to those who are left behind. but when someone dies who is half loved and half hated by his own family, whose children, for example, are always trying to get closer to that man or to that woman and don't quite succeed, then the aftereffect is obsessive. those are the ones who are hurt the most.

i won't call them dysfunctional families, but it's into the less successful families that terrorism bites most deeply. because there is that terrible woe that one can't speak to the dead parent or the dead son or daughter or dead mate; one can't set things right anymore.

one was planning to, one was hoping to, and now it's lost forever. that makes it profoundly obsessive.

dad died alone saturday. and we didn't know until the afternoon. and we weren't able to see the body until this morning. a breakdown in communication between the police department and the hospital meant no one contacted us and who knows how long it would have been had we not found out by accidental chance.

until seeing him cold and blue on that table this morning, i would cry and then laugh:

how morbid and wonderful would it be if he walked in the door--somehow lost, confused, and delightfully healthy--to find us all there wearing white, weeping, wailing, praying...mourning his death?

i was planning to. i was hoping to. and now it's lost forever. but i don't have any regrets, so i hope it fails to become profoundly obsessive.

holy crap

2007-12-03T07:57:00.001-08:00

i am happy.

and that much closer to finding my center.

2007-11-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

this is a secret

winter is beautiful

2007-11-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

winter is beautiful.

maybe it's the challenge of it. driving without studs, fishtailing slightly out of, but mostly in, control. the fear (and rush) of wiping out. blizzards and flash snow storms. sun struggling through the frost. orphan snowflakes after the storm.

or maybe it's the peace it causes--a peace that my body rarely experiences. i love sitting in my car as it warms up, inches of fluff on the hood, peering through the frost-gilded window i've scraped away with an old credit card, watching individual flakes settle from flight.

[extrapolate: perhaps this is an illustration of mankind. how we are all in the process of plotting our fall, hoping we land in some place safe. and the fear that when we melt away, we are too soon forgotten because there will be another season of snow to replace us.]

i stop, i think: what would ever make me leave this state?

the struggle. so content, yet consumed with an itch to KNOW. knowing is rarely a product of a content state. mistakes, experience, frustrations, anger, happiness...the emotional extremes facilitate knowing.

the happiness that is found in being content is easy. it's so beautiful and blissful. i seek it, i remember it, i revel in it.

but i am restless. my body cannot tolerate being content for too long. a sun-starved plant seeking rays of light, my body bends toward new challenges. it yearns to drill into the untapped adrenaline reservoir. meanwhile, my mind has mental tantrums. red-faced and teary-eyed, the demons of the brain are hungry for an expansion of boundaries.

and while this place is symbolic of challenge (recall to mind the chilkoot trail, iditarod, denali), it is merely home to me. it's not enough.

nevermind this, it's snowing and winter is beautiful.

ellipses!

2007-10-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

I REMIND MYSELF:
we grow through challenges
...and hurt from them too

life isn't perfect
...and neither are we

honesty is not always the best policy
...or perhaps an unrealistic expectation

to keep an open mind and spot the opportunities
...or live life feeling unfulfilled and lost

there is nothing wrong with burning bridges
...especially if you could no longer cross them

I AM WITNESS TO:
domestic violence
...and the ability to shut ourselves from it

mental illness
...and its incredible ability to draw in the sane, the healthy, and the kind

love
...its power to manipulate, to glorify, and to lift us to extreme heights of happiness

I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
my dysfunctions
...which suprisingly makes way for greater functionality

my quirks and neurosis
...for at least i'm an interesting person because of it

my family
...for being the source of my dyfunctions, quirks, and neurosis

/end

AM

2007-09-22T08:03:00.001-07:00

7:06 and, already, it's a melancholy morning

2007-09-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

i love how increasingly interesting my life seems to become with every passing day.

habit

2007-09-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

all i can do is write.

to put to words these feelings; the not-quite-demons.

otherwise they will churn into a sour butter, deep in the gut, to cause painful, gaseous bubbles that cause tears, questions, and poor self-image. call it a yeast infection to one's identity. itchy, raw, it burns to feel. but it is shameful not to. (as it is to end a sentence with a preposition).

grow up, that's life. this is life. life hurts. be spartan.

it takes kilojoules to keep me from building that wall that i sensed was missing before. to place brick to mortar, mortar to brick. to set down that layer of foundation is comfort in itself. but to casually lay down the first layer becomes momentum to set down the second...the third...the fourth...inertia.

feel. take a risk. let yourself go to feel the human connection. (but--finger to lips, shhhh, and a whisper--it could hurt).

but in the shades of gray, there is a glow of color. of reds and blues, yellows and greens, an orange or two. i can't help but smile because life is about expanding, growing, cultivating, and knowing. and there is no better way to becoming that better, bigger, more beautiful person than feeling the hardships.

waiting

2007-09-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

i'm waiting for the walls to build in the manner they are accustomed to building: quick and soundless, often a surprise to me and to you.

it has been a lazy manifestation.

often my core has felt heavy. 20# weights dangling from heart strings, pulling limbs, lungs, and laughter deep into an abyss not yet identified by anatomy; barely enough energy to hold my head up and face life's challenges. too tired to even cry or fight back.

i've held my breath for so long. now full of sweet air, i can only smile and laugh.

i succumb to sleep and awaken to the same thought. a thought that consists of a single and simple phrase, but is one that i can't help but repeat to myself throughout the day. partly out of disbelief and partly because it is the source of such extreme and unconditional happiness.

i still have questions and insecurities, but they are trumped by wide-eyed curiousity and sense of belonging. i count days, hours, and minutes. i smile for no reason except for that one overwhelming saturated reason.

i have but one fear: that this will all end too soon. and with that thought, i hold my breath once again. the air is no longer sweet, the smile disappears, and the heaviness begins to descend.

but really, it is only a matter of closing my eyes and conjuring up an image to bring about a lightness in my soul, a quickness to my step, and a joyous ring to my laughter.

i am happy.

and i suspect that the walls may never arise because this time they weren't meant to.

randomly

2007-08-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

*korean hostages to be released

*i feel sick to my stomach and soul

*life seems so unreal sometimes

*i am simultaneously incredibly happy with life

an international cluster fuck

2007-07-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

two south korean missionaries dead. i feel terrible for their families, but i choose to distance myself to view the situation from a political standpoint and how this event has affected global politics:

from the korean herald:
In a desperate attempt to prevent the further killing of South Korean hostages in Afghanistan, the South Korean government yesterday pleaded for the international community's support in showing flexibility in negotiations with the Taliban kidnappers.

"We are fully aware of the principle position of the international community in terms of solving the kidnap issue. It is, however, also highly valuable in terms of a humanitarian perspective to add flexibility to this principle position in order to save the precious lives of the civilians," Cheong Wa Dae said in a statement announced by spokesman Cheon Ho-seon in a press briefing televised live nationwide.

from al jazeera:
Al Jazeera's Bernard Smith said that the Afghan president's office had held a news conference on Tuesday saying it did not want to turn hostage-taking "into an industry", having been criticised over previous deals with the Taliban.

from the new york times:
“As everyone knows, the Taliban’s demand is something the U.S. government can help resolve, not the Afghan or South Korean government,” it said. “The South Korean government, citing its alliance with the United States, dispatched troops for the U.S. war against terrorism,” it added. “Now why can’t it use the spirit of the alliance to help persuade the U.S. administration and save its own people?”

under pressure from its own citizens, the korean government is now requesting the international community to change its policy on terrorist hostage situations. koreans in the u.s. are now pressuring the government to take action. the taliban has recently released a video of a german hostange, perhaps to spurn on germany to increase the pressure on the afghani government. it's a global domino effect.

i'm glad to see that the new york times finally released an article on the killings, given it was after a state department spokesman went on the record with the korean herald. i've been wondering what the time lapse would be between domestic and international coverage.

the new taliban imposed deadline: wednesday 0730 GMT or 11:30 PM in alaska. islamic and pushtun culture dictates that women should not be harmed in this situation. however, there are still 3 men left. it's a matter of hours to see what happens next.

rant

2007-07-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

i have a particular dislike for religious missionaries (or really anyone) going into certain countries (in this case, afghanistan) thinking that they can do more good than anyone else.

you might affect the life of one person, yes. you might provide that child with medicine to allow them to survive one more day in a world that will see it dead. you may be able to raise a standard of life for one day. but at what cost?

you become a liability that is greater than yourself and the number of individuals that you can possibly affect. you affect politics that will have negative consequences that touch hundreds, thousands, and hundreds of thousands of individuals.

as a race, we are selfish. and there are few of us who are willing to help.

but for those of us who have that motivation to do good and actually put that energy into real action, let's not be so narrowly confined in how we help that we ignore the global picture.

23 south korean protestant missionaries were kidnapped by the taliban. they were mostly nurses and teachers, and i imagine they believed they could touch a few lives here and there, and leave with the warm fuzzies that we all seek from a good work. but at what cost?

they've now put the south korean government in a position to negotiate. while south korea already had plans to withdraw its troops by the end of the year, now it must consider a more expensive and perhas dangerous withdrawal. the taliban has insisted that the agfhanistan government release as many taliban prisoners as there are hostages.

these 23 individuals, with all the positive motivation in the world, have directly compromised two governments. these two governments, in addition, are part of a global balance of power. their actions will affect the actions and reactions of others.

there are times when one must accept that some situations, people, and places aren't ready when we are. we must be patient and apply our good intentions to those that are ready and waiting for us to act. how many countries out there are politically and mentally prepared for the good work of these 23 south korean nurses and teachers? just one would have been enough.

finally, if one is going to be so naive as to believe they can create real change in afghanistan, let's at least think rationally:
* provide security. god is great, but so are private security forces (see: private military company)

*don't bring women without cultural considerations. this is a religious group who installed the strictest form of islam in the country, banning even foreign females from driving vehicles. you are going to bring unveiled foreign women to perform their profession into afghanistan?

/rant

sources: al jazeera, taliban extends hostages deadlines; new york times, taliban said to extend hostage deadline

colonoscopy

2007-07-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

i love the fact that al jazeera reports on president bush's upcoming colonoscopy at the end of an article regarding a ban on CIA torture:

Colonoscopy

Meanwhile Snow announced Bush is due to have a routine colonoscopy on Saturday and will temporarily hand presidential powers to Dick Cheney, the vice president, the White House said.

Snow said Bush will have the procedure at his Camp David mountaintop retreat.

He last had a colorectal cancer check on June 29, 2002. For the general population, a colonoscopy to screen for colon cancer is recommended every 10 years.

But for people at higher risk or if a colonoscopy detects precancerous polyps, follow-up colonoscopies often are scheduled in three to five year intervals.

source: bush bans cia suspect torture

mixed feelings

2007-07-13T13:12:00.001-07:00

Zheng Xiaoyu, the former director of China's State Food and Drug Administration, was executed July 10 for approving untested medicine in exchange for cash. He became the highest ranking Chinese official ever to be put to death.

as a result of faulty approval for unsanitized medicine, 14 people died and hundreds are estimated to be injured.

among the dead: 6 year old liu sichen

about to start elementary school with a brand new pink backpack. given medication to combat a tonsil infection.

among the injured: 5 year old du haipeng

given the medication for a sore throat, fell into a coma for 22 days and no longer speaks "very often"

we often speak of an eye for an eye, but do we really mean it? should the director of China's FDA been executed for his mistake?

source: for 2 children, ban of a drug came too late

2007-07-13T12:55:00.000-07:00

khalid w. hassan
23 years old
shot

sympathy given as a recently-aged 24 year old former journalist who once aspired to become a war correspondent; who obsessed with its history while studying at oxford; and who analyzed hundreds of articles on the unfolding events in iraq for her research in d.c.

little of which would have been possible or tangible without reporters on the front line, providing the information that gave flesh to the bare bone facts.

source: new york times journalist killed baghdad

on a whim

2007-06-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

sometimes the most unexpectedly meaningful are those that happen on a whim.

[death, love, births...life]

i often buy books on a whim.

[i also catch cheap flights, take road trips, skydive, fall in and out of love, and break into a dance on a whim]

sometimes based merely on the cover. or by chancing upon its title. or for no reason at all.

[though i often find reason in them eventually]

from my most recent purchase:

"when a good family member dies, there's a tenderness and a sorrow that can restore life to those who are left behind. but when someone dies who's half loved and half hated by his own family, whose children, for example, are always trying to get closer to that man or to that woman and don't quite succeed, then the aftereffect is OBSESSIVE. those are the ones who are hurt the most. i won't call them DYSFUNCTIONAL families, but it's into the less successful families that terrorism bites most deeply. because there is that TERRIBLE WOE that one can't speak to the dead parent or the dead son or daughter or dead mate; one can't set things right anymore. one was planning to, one was hoping to, and now it's LOST FOREVER. that makes it profoundly obsessive."

WHY ARE WE AT WAR? / norman mailer

lockdown

2007-06-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

i'm on a voluntary lockdown for the rest of the day so that i can finish a few academic responsibilities (read: 60 pages worth of papers that i've been putting off).

as of tuesday evening, i will be free from academia for all of july and august. i'm so excited, i might just pee my pants.

but the purpose of this post? to tell you how much i love beer and hummus!

seattle!

2007-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

i woke up friday morning with great clarity:

I HAD TO GO TO LC's WEDDING IN SEATTLE ON SUNDAY.

so i looked at tickets: sweet! tickets are cheaper: 20,000 miles for one that leaves in 5 hours! i have 32,000 miles!
checked with the boss: fo shizzle! thanks for letting me take a half day and monday off!
emailed the prof: yowza! it's okay that i miss three 8-hour weekend classes?!
called up a friend: rock on! your couch sounds great to sleep on!

i had packed up my pack (oh how i've missed you since crow pass) that morning just in case everything worked out. i called up friends who were going to be at the wedding to say that i was going to surprise LC during the bachelorette party. went to work for a few hours to tie up loose ends for the weekend and boarded a plane.

got off the plane, took a bus into downtown seattle, downed 5 shots of espresso, found a bus to the bar annnnnd SHAZZAM! it's C in the hizzouse!

i LOVE surprises and spontaneity.

a new year of life

2007-06-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

perhaps it's not right to create traditions, but i've decided to start a birthday tradition of my own:

to begin each new year of my life by doing something (anything) that challenges me. and to invite anyone and everyone who would want to celebrate it with me.

i celebrated my 24th birthday (yesterday!) by hiking crow pass in a day with a friend of mine (who i absolutely adore for going with me)

if you're not familiar, crow pass is 26 miles from girdwood (a little further than the mines) to eagle river (the nature center). if you ever have a chance to do it, and aren't in a hurry, i suggest overnighting it so you can really appreciate the nature around you.

the first four miles is a nice climb up a mountain, another hour across snow (at least it's still snowy in june), beautiful glaciers, an ice cold river crossing (and several stream crossing), and bears.

a few highlights:
1) sledding down mountainsides on garbage bags (great time and energy saver)
2) wildlife!
3) getting a second wind at about mile 16 from a potential bear scare (we were chilling out at a creek ready to filter water when we realized here were chunks of carcass around us. decided to leave before the bear came back for the rest of its meal)

a few things i learned:
1) a 26 mile trek when you haven't done any physical activity for 6 months is doable, but perhaps not the smartest thing
2) alaska is perhaps one of the most beautiful places i have ever lived in
3) i never knew i could move so slowly up a mountain
4) lightweight gear is one of the greatest things in life, and if REI were a man, we would be so happy together

it was incredible. it took us 14 hours from start to finish and i've seriously busted up my right knee, but it was totally worth it.

now i'm thinking i have to do something really great for my quarter century birthday (25!) next year.

c.

surreal

2007-05-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

holy crap, my little brother is getting married on sunday

for once

2007-05-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

for the first time

in such a long time

it feels as if my life is falling into place.

and it feels damn good.

perhaps it's only the eye of the storm, but here's hoping that it's the trend for the future.

today has been a great day.

!

2007-04-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

a sigh of relief and profound happiness.

shoes

2007-04-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

i find skater shoes to be unattractive in men who are within my dating range. indeed, i can look at you and think: YOWZA! HOT-TA-TA! look at your shoes (something i have been doing lately, don't ask why), see that they're skater shoes and be immediately uninterested.

only exception: if you are a professional skater. tony hawke, you are welcome to date me at any time.

so men of the world, grow up and get big boy shoes; i'd apprecaite it.

happy birthday

2007-04-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

source: man charged with strangling seattle teen on church trip

wilted and blooms

2007-04-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

petals naturally fall away with time.

wilted and expired, they precariously dangle by an organic thread,
soon a deathly drop: to endure the fall is inconsequential.

seething with survival, gasping to unfurl anew
they terminate in a public grave of fragrant, crumpled corpses.

a naked core wavers on a slim stalk, a rapunzel
strong, submerged, trapped in its glass tower.

but resurrection!

timed care and strategic nourishment allows new life;
souls without a past are invited to scale the slick, beveled walls.

they are handpicked soldiers, not privy to the history,
an amalgation of old habits and new talents

replacing the core with revived color:
a bloom reinvented, a transformed organism.

and these petals, as do all the others, will naturally fall away with time.

walls

2007-04-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

mm...mm, i LOVE walls.

big walls, little walls.

long walls, short walls.

stucco walls, white walls, black walls.

reinforced walls and concrete walls.

walls of china, berlin wall, wallpaper even.

i am a builder of walls.

BONZAI! (<--this serves no purpose)

disappointed

2007-04-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

i am easily disappointed in people.
i am easily disappointed by life.

i look at the world and i see a crummy place.
i see something that i want to fix, but i'm too small and the world is too big.

i see a lack of basic consideration.

people who don't care about how this world barely survives day by day.
or be bothered to muster enough care for the people around them.

it takes so little to create so much happiness,
so why is the world sinking in its own sadness?

and then again, there are the little surprises.

the people who emerge from this fog, who warm my heart and give me hope.
who know how to care and show it

they give me hope that the world can change
that we are small in our individuality, but large in our collective efforts

morning mourning

2007-04-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

i am moved to tears every morning when i read the news:

serbian court convicts 4 for sbrebrenica massacre

somali clan says 1,086 killed

suicide plagues natives

dear paul

2007-04-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

dear paul bishop with an arizona driver's license:

you wrote me a bad check this afternoon.

this is after you took advantage of the all you can eat buffet.

this is after you made yourself comfortable in a booth, hunkered down into a snore and disturbed the peace of those who had the money to eat.

i understand that you can't afford the nine dollars it costs to eat all the lunch that you can eat.

i get that you're probably homeless, need to think about putting your dollars toward your next drink and were just hungry.

i'm sorry that i couldn't let you sleep at our restaurant. the way your head bobbed was a lawsuit waiting to happen. what if you lost control of your neck during your deep slumber and broke your head against the tabletop? sweet and sour sauce can't be good for brain tissue.

but what makes me mad is that you didn't think about me.

you didn't think that your nine dollar check would bounce and incur a twenty five dollar fee. that we're just a one-restaurant small family establishment. and that we're asian and living so beyond our means as our culture dictates that we're in a precarious situation.

okay, not really. but we could be.

so paul bishop, next time just shrug your shoulders and say "hell, i could give you a check, but it'd just bounce. i'm sorry" and just walk the hell out.

monumental seconds

2007-04-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

pet peeve: misspelled words.

right now: open mike at Kodiak. live music makes me emotional.

tomorrow: a first date.

yesterday: the devil has fled the house, but where has all the holiness gone to? i hate seeing my mom this sad.

le car

2007-04-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

some time between noon and 1:45 PM yesterday afternoon someone hit my car and drove off.

if you know me, you know that i love my car.

i mean...i love that car.

love.

l. o. v. e.

love.

i couldn't even be angry, i was just sad. my poor car shiny, bought in november car...now you're ugly.

it's okay, i still love you.

resisting a premonition

2007-04-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

i had a premonition some time ago that my life would not be "normal" for quite some time.

that somewhere along the way, i had tipped the event that would begin this new life. i like to pinpoint it to april 2006--but really, it had to be building up long before then.

while i wasn't sure at the time whether i would eventually welcome change...i accepted it. admittedly, a part of me was waiting for it to be over because among the incredibly awesome experiences, there were the unbearably bad.

i said to a friend several months ago that there was so much i wanted to tell him, but how i couldn't. that i had a feeling that "this" was all the beginning of an awesome life that i could not possibly imagine. that i could ride this wave or let it sweep my feet from under me.

the bad has been bad, but if i look ahead i can see where it is beneficial. the lessons that i've learned and how they will be valuable for this new life ahead.

thing is, i realized lately that i had been resisting this change. and resisting change is neither riding the wave or letting it sweep my feet from under me. it's as futile as standing on the shore before a tsunami, hands outstretched in front of me, and in a booming god-like voice saying: "STOP BECAUSE I SAY SO."

that just doesn't work.

at least when i let the wave sweep my feet from under me, i can roll with the punches. i'll end up all wet, but still be able to pick myself back up, shake off some of the wet and give it another go.

so here's to a new realization. a greater sense of acceptance of life as it is and has been. i've changed in so many ways in the last year, but in the end i'm still me. you might disagree. but hell, i don't care.

fuck yes.

self-direction

2007-04-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

i never knew growing up could be so hard.

too many decisions and too many feelings to consider.

but they're not my decisions.
they're not my feelings that i must consider.

stop.

take a breath.

consciously slow the blood flow,
maximize each beat of the heart.

i need to admit that it's time to be selfish.

and that there is nothing wrong with that.

period. exclamation mark. exclamation mark.

fleeting thought.

2007-04-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

7:58 PM: I feel lost.

stay put and you wll be found.

i'm going to start a project.

i need a polaroid camera and a mini tape recorder.

i'm sitting in a gay bar, drinking a beer and doing homework while watching planet earth on the discovery channel.

human compost

2007-03-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

i've done well in keeping in touch with old friends. many of my closest friends today were my closest friends nearly a decade ago. from when we were children. from high school and college. i've kept in touch with those who were mere acquaintances from that time--and many of those individuals became good friends after the fact.

i lost one however. we all lose a few, moreso those who are on the fringe as an accessory to your life. they have little substance to your life, and you have little substance on theirs. this one was substance. i don't know how we lost each other, but we are so lost that i often forget that she exists.

but i remembered her today.

and even after seeing each other again at the wedding of a mutual close friend, she quickly escaped my thoughts. and i'm sure i disappeared from her thoughts as well. it is unlike me. i am better at remembering--i at least have a frequent random thought. how did she become such a nonentity in my life?

i am disturbed by this.

even more disturbing is that i often have an urge to cut off all my relationships. to step back into the shadows and completely disappear from the world that knows me. to reintroduce myself--no more reinvented, only as i am--to a new population.

i find that, as of late, i enjoy more the company of people who barely know me. who know little of where i came from, of my background, of my personal likes and dislikes. who i know, and who know me, on a purely superficial level. and what is more is that i have sought to preserve this superficiality when before i would chip away at it until an understanding was reached and a bond made.

i always liked to perceive a person from their naked self. to engage in conversation that was most revealing. to understand and learn at the core of the person. now, i don't want to know. neither do i want to become attached. i do not want to have an influence on my life or be an influence on anyone elses.

but i go through the motions.

i pretend i care when i really don't. i fake an understanding that i don't have. i will let you let me get to know you, but i hesitate to let you get to know me.

if you never know me, you can't hurt me.

i don't know if all of this is the truth. it's the truth today. it applies at the moment. it might change tomorrow. it will probably change in a week. but i suppose the truth is disposable, just as feelings and people are.

this thought transformed into something entirely unexpected.

a feeling

2007-03-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

contemplative.

happy new year!

2007-02-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

in korean culture, it is the year of the GOLDEN pig. this is no ordinary year, folks. children born in the year of the golden pig are stronger, faster, smarter and can jump over buildings while calculating the instantaneous slope of their line of trajectory.

some golden pig year facts:
* it happens only every 600 years (wow!)

*korea expects the birth rate to rise by 10 percent this year (no way!)

*some koreans are not planning on having babies this year because the competition pool for getting into higher education institutions will be even larger (bada bing!)

books

2007-02-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

some books, i like to read in absolute silence. those books i don't take to coffee, or read at work. i wait to read these books when the house is vacant and the weather cold.

i love a book that you can pick up in the afternoon and read in the absolute silence until you've finished it that day.

i love a book that is steeped in culture. i love superstitious grandmothers and backward thinking. i love revolutions, bastards and unsanctioned marriage. i love foreign words in italics and religion that suffocates the youth.

your mouth is lovely/nancy richler

fortune cookie says

2007-02-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

"be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue"

roger that, fortune cookie.

delicious

2007-02-02T15:56:00.000-08:00

i find oddly satisfying:

the oils of a good coffee mixed with the fat of half and half, and casually floating in my americano

wet couplets

2007-02-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

the walls screamed in blue
but i'm fluent in tangerine

i'm bleeding triangle tears
and drowning in another's filth

there's a trapdoor
that i can't open

i'm lubricated by oily sadness
and weeping fat

a pounding of the chest
because i can't rip apart the soul

dark demons battle white blood cells
but i'm already terminal

you look a little heavy on the j side

2007-01-31T14:19:00.000-08:00

according to the myers-briggs personality test, i am an ENTJ

ENTJ:

"frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies, develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organizational problems. enjoy long term planning and goal setting. usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. forceful in presenting their ideas."

the top ten popular occupations by ENTJ personalities include:

anesthesiologist
management consultant
top executive, legal
top executive, architecture and engineering
top executive, life, physical and social sciences
urban/regional planer
internist
top executive, sales
top executive, arts, design, entertainment, sports and media

and according to the analyst, most of the leaders in the country are ENTJ

so here i am, i'm going to rule the world, now accepting donations

family

2007-01-31T14:01:00.000-08:00

as a little girl, all curls and questions
he was a god, a giant in my eyes
as invincible, as he was powerful

i was athena, born from the father
my armour was his religion
my mother, nonexistent to her own child
eclipsed by a false idol

as a little girl, i plucked out my own eyes
to mold myself in the image of the father
tremored in his anger, beamed in his praise

born from the father, the armour his religion

a woman now, heart broken by men
armour pawned when bankrupt by love
i grew gray in a summer

the gleam of god is gone
buried deep beneath his wander, lust
while mother drips in sadness
tracking grief into the family temple

a woman now, i rage (a silent war)
against this man, no longer the father
daddy is dead, replaced by a disease

while mother drips in sadness

reporter for starbucks!

2007-01-30T16:48:00.000-08:00

starbucks should pay former NYT reporter judith miller for her unintentional promotion/advert for the company. perhaps knock a zero off for covering the logo with the sleeve, but hell, I bet it was an americano and those suckers burn.

source: reporter testifies in c.i.a. leak trial

the second coming/yeats

2007-01-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

turning and turning in the widening gyre
the falcon cannot hear the falconer;

things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
the ceremony of innocence is drowned;
the best lack all conviction, while the worst
are full of passionate intensity.

exlax

2007-01-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

my fingers itch with words, but are too constipated to form a satisfactory sentence.

eavesdropping

2007-01-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

listen to: gonna make you love me/ryan adams, "gold" album

sit with your back towards the room
in a busy cafe, headphones on

wait for someone(s) to sit nearby
waiting to share their story
just not to you

keep the headphones on
a sly click of to mute
and listen

he's 30 and came to this country when he was 5
when his mother was killed

...this could get interesting

sort of like raw meat

2007-01-17T16:12:00.000-08:00

i've noticed that friendships are marked for expiration sooner these days, not made for durability and, instead, quickly become sour.

hercules! hercules!

2007-01-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

kevin sorbo on the OC?

122706 - 010107

2007-01-03T13:05:00.000-08:00

i feel like i went to hell and back.

but i learned some valuable lessons:

(1) you can't save the world, but you can make a difference
(2) there is no shame in generosity
(3) age doesn't matter
(4) we all have our demons
(5) never underestimate the virtue in asking for help
(6) remember the small things, they lead you to the bigger ones
(7) desperate times call for desperate measures
(8) everyone has a limit, recognize and abide by it
(9) there is possibility in an impossible situation
(10) never say never

i was thrown a curveball, but i think i might have batted this one out of the park. i guess time will tell.

measured emotions

2007-01-03T12:48:00.000-08:00

recently, a friend told me that i was too rational for romance.

i immediatly conjured up an image of large mason jars labeled with different emotions--anger, happiness, love, whathaveyou--locked down in a cool cellar and kept in the company of shadows.

hung on a crooked nail, somehow wedged into the stone wall, are a set of measuring spoons.

and with each event, adventure and misadventure, episode and experience, the thick doors to the cellar are heaved open with considerable effort. i imagine a breath of stale air escaping from the deep and dark expanse of the cellar mouth as i descend down the steps.

perhaps with a shrug, most likely with a look of concerned concentration, i take the spoons down from that crooked nail and carefully measure out the proper amount of emotions from the applicable jars into a beaker--i'm a mad scientist now, but a rational one.

i swirl the solution, double check the proportions and deposit the product into a barrel labeled "reaction" that is stuffed into a corner, replace the spoons and lock the doors.

yeah, i suppose i am too rational for romance.

dominos

2006-12-23T01:36:00.000-08:00

lately, i've found myself looking back on my life and bundling each event into a domino.

my conception. one domino.

my birth. another domino.

my first step. yet another domino.

and on and on and on until there is a whole mess of dominos lined up, one after another, each a stepping stone on its own and the sum of my life in its entirety.

and i can't help but wonder where certain dominos came from. why they were necessary. what their purpose is. fascinated that they exist and exactly where they existed.

i'm curious as to what the next domino will be and what it will mean to my whole line of dominos. will this be the domino to topple them all?

i think we all have a habit of thinking our life started sometime when we were barely young or barely in existence.

i am here wondering if my life is just beginning to start, if all that has happened and how it happened just the beginning of something greater.

just putting it out there

2006-12-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

i am not a holiday person

"we want to help you, but we want to own you"

2006-12-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

danish artist kristian von hornsleth has decided to make a statement in uganda.

he will strike a deal with any ugandan. a pig for your name. by providing an animal (much needed by the detrimentally poor ugandans), the individual will officially change their name to hornsleth.

and the people are grateful.

hornsleth claims that this is a political statement--one that exposes how humanitarian and government sponsored aid groups are merely abiding by the motto: "we want to help you, but we want to own you."

george sabadu hornsleth, who received a pig, makes a good point:

"Africans adopting European names for gifts - we've been doing that since colonial times. Why do you think I am called George?"

it's an interesting idea that certainly gets the artist's point across.

and while i agree that the message and hypocrisy is legitimate, what angers me is that in the process of his artistic protest, hornsleth is degrading the people of uganda who are attempting to rebuild themselves as africans and survivors of genocide.

use yourself as a medium for protest.

use your artistic abilities.

use your voice, your heart, your money.

but don't use people who have nothing.

don't take your photos, create a book and invite your stuck up first class society to a party with "drinks and a dj" to show off your 100 new hornsleths. its on the same page as bum fights.

when will we learn to treat others as we wish to be treated ourselves?

but then, i am in the privileged situation where i need not worry about where i put my head to sleep at night, where my next meal comes from, which of my family will be raped, killed or contract AIDS...i have the luxury to be angry about injustice.

i guess hornsleth has effectively made his point...mankind can be boiled down to being a society of pigs

source: Ugandans grab 'pig-for-name' deal and Hornsleth's website

addendum

2006-12-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

the more i think about it, the more disappointed and saddened i am that my blood type is B positive.

there are two people who i know are in need of a kidney and i really wanted to be able to offer one to them. but one is A positive and the other is A negative and short of removing a spleen (a surgery that is still experimental), i'm incompatible.

i am aware of how ridiculous this sounds.

my kidney is sad.

but! blood bank of alaska was in need of B positive blood, so at least i fulfilled a need somewhere.

B positive

2006-12-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

this morning, i found out that my blood type is B positive. according to a japananese research institute, people of certain blood types share a similar personality. here's mine:

you're a rugged individualist, who's straight forward and like to do things your own way. creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. but your insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.

some B positive facts:

*8 out of 100 have this blood type

*i can receive O-, O+, B- and B+ blood

*i can only give to AB+ and B+, or in emergencies, AB- and B-

source: http://www.bloodbankofalaska.org/about_blood/types.html

maybe if my blood type was A-

2006-12-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

i decided that should the opportunity arise for me to become a living kidney donor, i'd get a tattoo by the scar of a girl sitting in a bathtub full of ice.

unrelated tattoos to follow:

rebirth

2006-12-10T22:53:00.000-08:00

for the past three to four days i've been in an unexplainable bad mood, causing me to become incredibly irritable at the drop of a hat.

now, bad moods like this do not strike me too often and when they do, i take a moment to sit down and work myself out of it. this often takes the form of doing a "good work," which is what persuaded me to donate blood on friday for the first time (i'm a bit nervous around needles) and sign up for the bone marrow donor registry.

[if you haven't, i'd encourage everyone to do both. and if you are an ethnic minority, i especially encourage you to add yourself to the registry--a tissue match is more likely to come from someone of the same ethnicity and there is a lack of minority donors]

and this morning i woke up feeling so much like myself it was uplifting.

advice to the chef: how not to lie

2006-12-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

some advice for aspiring liars, manipulators and betrayors of friends.

(1) do not proclaim (with an odd sense of pride--find something else to proud of, please) how good of a liar you are.

(2) when a friend does you a favor, don't pay it back with lies. wait until you don't owe any favors to be a bastard.

(3) there really is no need to lie after a (drunken) heart-to-heart. you just make your friend feel more like an idiot later on and that won't possibly bode well in the grand scheme of things.

(4) when executing that well-thought out lie, do not repeat the one fact that is crucial to making your lie work. a good mark for a lie is when the liar repeats a fact because it is that fact that needs to be taken at face value for the lie to work. you are an idiot and you obviously assumed i was one too. whoops.

(5) do not ask for additional favors after poorly executing a flawed lie. it makes you seem even more like the evolutionary pond scum that you are.

(6) don't lie to me (or anyone for that matter). you haven't known me long enough to know that i usually always find out when i've been lied to. it's almost a god-given gift.

however a concession: some lies are acceptable. those are lies that don't harm anyone. i.e. you just had a bad personal experience and need to work some things out for yourself, so you don't let on what's going on. that's understandable, even if not 100 percent desirable.

i'm in a bad mood.

2006-12-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

i'm done trusting

giving the benefit of the doubt

putting your sorry ass feelings before mine

defending

being taken advantage of, whether that be monetarily or emotionally

i'm in a bad mood.

sweating honey

2006-12-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

first tap casualties:

*beer #2, half full when E wacked it out of my hand during some craaaaaaaazy dancing. crazy.

*beer #3, also known as replacement beer #1, which was only two-thirds full when random-crazy-dance-lady busted a cap in its proverbial ass

*sweatshirt, which soaked up a good portion of random-crazy-dance-ladies bustacapinyoass beer spillage

HOWEVER:

*sweating honey is incredible, esp. trumpet/vocals who looks eerily like ex-not-boyfriend D

*first tap beer is delicious, more so if you like a nice dark porter

*and E/D as friends who know when to tell a girl to go out, listen to some good music and drink some good beer

adrenaline, rollercoasters and guilt

2006-12-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

i ride guilt like a rollercoaster. i've got my ups and i've got my downs, and other times i'm blazing through it at high speeds.

every so often i find myself in the middle of a guilt trip, usually for no real reason.

and more often than not its caused by a sense that i have become too self-centric, too concerned with my own life and not enough with the lives of others.

i find myself asking...what have i done lately to help mankind?

or even to help someone outside of myself?

i know this probably registers high on the bullshit meter for some of you, but i think those people who know me the best know that what i say here is sincere.

right now i'm so consumed with my own activities:
1) i go to school...for myself.
2) i go to work...to make money...for myself
3) i work with HOBY...okay that one is absent of guilt, though i'm sure if i thought hard i could make it into some selfish activity
4) i work out at the gym....for myself

but see, 90% of my day is devoted to those activities which are really to better myself. sure, my graduate degree is in public administration, which is arguably a means to serve my community/government/etc. yet, this endeavor is still a means to get a better job, with better benefits...for myself.

it is at times like these that i want to drop my life and go to some godforsaken country and volunteer for several months, a year, several years

i want to make a difference to someone. i want to put myself aside wholly. i want to be passionate, driven and motivated to change the world.

but i have responsibilities to my family, my friends, my volunteer activities. so i suppose my next best option is to make do with what i can do for my community here and now.

i've got a few ideas in the works and i'm excited

don't mess with the kung pao chicken

2006-12-05T00:58:00.000-08:00

saturday night three chinese buffet hopefuls descend upon the twin dragon. we will name them aziz, amir and amanda.

the three joyfully finish a wonderful dining experience. amir leaves to visit the men's room while aziz and amanda settle the check.

posted at the register is the cashier, we'll call her maggie. maggie is pretty hot, in case you were curious.

amanda, being the smart one in the group, reads a sign by the register: "we do not accept checks."

"aziz!" she cries, "they don't accept checks!"

"oh really?" asks aziz while maggie, the hot cashier watches out of the corner of her eye while doing some sidework.

aziz and amanda loiter near the door for a few minutes, waiting for amir and walk out the door. maggie, suspicious, walks to the table to find that aziz has taken the check with him.

enter amir.

"hey," says maggie, "your friends left without paying."

"what! i saw him write the check," says the surprised amir.

maggie walks amir outside where his friends are waiting for him in the car. her gut gives a churn, which prompts maggie to take mental note of the make/model of the car and the license plate number.

"guys! where's the check, they said you didn't leave it," says amir.

amanda looks wide-eyed while aziz searches his pockets. "oh hey! here it is, sorry about that."

maggie checks his ID, memorizes his driver's license number and notices he's a minor due to the vertical orientation of the card. the three drive off.

however, the story is not yet complete. for the check is the sort one receives upon opening an account and must handwrite their name and address. maggie gets a queer feeling that this is a bad check.

come monday afternoon (that would be today), maggie drops by a wells fargo and inquires on whether there are sufficient funds in the account. there aren't.

now maggie is pissed and a tad curious as to whether aziz would really write down his actual address. so she maps it and drives to the house.

*knock knock*

enters mrs. aziz.

"hello, is aziz home?" asks maggie.

"no, what's wrong?" asks mrs. aziz with a look on her face that reads: "aziz is in trouble again?"

maggie explains the situation and tells aziz's mom that she'll be back later tonight.

now, maggie is a tad concerned that aziz may have put down the name and address of someone else, but doubts it. so after her evening class and a lovely dinner with a classmate, she returns to the house to see if the same car is there.

why yes. yes it is. as it is 10:30 in the evening and maggie, being the hot and considerate cashier and amateur sleuth she is, does not want to disturb aziz's parents. so she writes a note.

aziz:
you wrote a bad check to twin dragon on dec. 2. this is your opportunity to be responsible. please pay your bill ($40.97) and the $25 fee for a bounced check (total=$65.97) at the twin dragon by WEDNESDAY (Dec 7). i ask that you take this opportunity to be responsible, otherwise i will have to approach the police regarding fraud. please be reminded that i have your drivers license number, address and make and model of your car.

thank you for being understanding and responsible.

sincerely,
maggie from twin dragon.

...to be continued.

an open letter to love

2006-11-29T17:16:00.000-08:00

there is a saying:
you cannot truly know love until you surrender to it.

if love is PAIN,
a VOID,
a fight against HATE

...then i suppose i know love.

because tears still roll down my cheeks,
you still invade my thoughts,
and i struggle to not hate you.

you thought i was cynical before,
well i am hopeless now.

i hope to never love again,
to skate along the edges of emotional fulfillment
because all the happiness is not worth the endless heartache.

fuck love. fuck you.

sunday morning fragments

2006-10-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

an early sunday morning
drinking coffee
paper writing
nytimes reading

girls sit to my right
passionate about god
jesus, church
and emo punk rock.

their passion is a reminder
of how mine burned out
i think i'm happier
but i recognize a void
i blink back tears

i feel no regret
for the decisions i've made
or the person i've become

yet
sometimes
i miss church
i miss passion
i miss god
i miss purpose

but as these girls talk
their passion for god
becomes a passion for
gossip
thinly veiled hate
for that girl, with that boy
and that all encompassing love
that christian christian love
swiftly becomes selective

and i remember why
i am where i am
where the passion went
where i banished god to

and instead i focus ahead of me
to a fat, bearded
suspender wearing
santa claus of a man
gripping four highlighters
different colors
different meanings
and colors his book

the next foley?

2006-10-22T10:09:00.001-07:00

illinois senator barack obama may enter the 2008 presidential race.

he was quoted in an AP article, in response to his relative inexperience in politics, as saying:

''We have a long and vigorous process. Should I decide to run, if I ever decide to, I'll be confident that I'll be run through the pages pretty well,'' Obama said.

i first read that as "i'll run through the (congressional) pages pretty well"

check out obama's book, dreams of my father: a story of race and inheritence--i picked it up in April and read it in a night. he has also come out with a new one, the audacity of hope: thoughts on reclaiming the american dream

source: obama says he's weighing 2008 run

disclaimer

2006-10-16T15:28:00.001-07:00

dear friends:

it has come to my attention that at least one of you (i still can't believe this) thinks that i am easily conned into posing naked with a monster mask on my head while someone takes a photo, posts it on his website and which i, subsequently, post on mine. (Reference: when a man loves women...and monsters)

in short: this isn't me.

in long: my boobs sag a lot more, i've got more fat rolls AND I DON'T POSE NAKED WHILE WEARING MONSTER MASKS.

i'm still laughing.

p.s. one friend to her boyfriend:

friend (6:26:00 PM): monster cheesecake
boyfriend (6:26:11 PM): is that like the cheesecake factory ?
boyfriend (6:26:50 PM): is this image in poor taste?

meditation

2006-10-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

the amish schoolhouse where a gunmen shot 10 girls and killed 5 (and the remaining 5 are still critically wounded) was razed today.

it's hard to begin again.

this is ridiculous: The experience of last weekend, when tourists and well-wishers clogged roads trying to get a glimpse of the schoolhouse, made the decision all the easier. “This past Sunday it was just bumper-to-bumper out there,” said David Nissley, a Mennonite pastor. “They’d like to reduce the tourism it creates.”

tourism?

hey kids! fuck disneyland, let's go see the deathhouse of Naomi Rose Ebersole, 7; Anna Mae Stolzfus, 12; Marian Fisher, 13; Mary Liz Miller, 8, and her sister Lena Miller, 7.

source: Amish Schoolhouse is Razed

when a man loves women...and monsters

2006-10-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

source: monster cheesecake

"that damn marijuana"

2006-10-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

perhaps one of the funniest articles i've come across in the last few days, canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants

"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said dryly.

One soldier told him later: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."

if you're feeling a little high on the subject, check out the canadian marijuana party (i sense a pattern). they've created an ingenius fundraising campaign entitled, "if you wish to be LUCKY, then give us money"

in case you're wondering, they have $1K in their account as of Oct 2006. i can't see why, what with the face of their party resembling an environmental santa claus: "cannabis to all, and to all a good night!"

do not use in case of fire

2006-10-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

check out the article: yankee dies in plane crash, official says

a couple things:

(i) i'm surprised there were no references to 9/11 in the article--a plane crashes into a building in new york and no one thinks terrorist attack?

(ii) construction workers in the building take the elevator to escape the building:

Luis Gonzalez, 23, was one of several construction workers and others viewing plans for renovating an apartment in the Belaire when they looked out the window and saw a plane headed their way.

“It was coming right at us, directly at us at the floor where we were working on,” he said.

They could see the pilot’s face, he said, and then they saw the plane veering toward the right, as if the pilot was trying to avoid hitting them.

“The whole building shook,” he said. “Then we ran for the elevator.”

Rob Miranda, a carpenter also working in the building, was on the 46th floor and said the plane appeared to be wobbling as it approached.

“He was out of control,” Mr. Miranda said. “He was on an incline, accelerating as he passed. Then he hooked around the corner, he hit the north side of the building, and you heard a tremendous explosion.”

He said he and the other workers ran, checking the 38th and 39th floors for any people who needed to get out. As smoke quickly began filling up the rooms, they took the elevators down.

kids, we all know that when there's a fire, TAKE THE STAIRS.

2/3 growler = :)

2006-10-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

now is the time for goals!

goal: to consume a growler (1/2 gallon) of delicious northern light amber from moose's tooth

delicious! and i'm about 2/3 the way through

in unrelated news, are you a two spirit?

were they male rhinos?

2006-10-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

from the new york times:

Since the early 1990’s, for example, young male elephants in Pilanesberg National Park and the Hluhluwe-Umfolozi Game Reserve in South Africa have been raping and killing rhinoceroses; this abnormal behavior, according to a 2001 study in the journal Pachyderm, has been reported in ‘‘a number of reserves’’ in the region. In July of last year, officials in Pilanesberg shot three young male elephants who were responsible for the killings of 63 rhinos, as well as attacks on people in safari vehicles.

source: an elephant crackup?